The Words That Helped Me Find My Way Back to Myself

At the beginning of 2020 I made a commitment to myself.

After surviving the most brutal experiences of my life, I had been left in a weakened emotional and psychological state. I was little more than a shell of my former self. Each day I was a ghost walking through a life which no longer recognized me as its own. Everything I looked at through the ghostly veil of my own eyes was muted and without color. I had lost connection to that spark within. The very thing which makes us who and what we are. My soul was trapped behind the wreckage of my crumbled existence. I could not reach it and I could hardly bring myself to care. Logically I knew it was important to keep digging until I was able to reach that buried part of myself. I knew it was the difference between becoming a full-on ghost or surviving in order to once again thrive.

That logic and my tenacity led the charge as the rest of me waited to see what would happen, not bothering much one way or the other. I sat down and began writing a list. My very own resolution. The things I desperately needed to know and believe in as I once had. The things that had given me strength, courage and perseverance for most of my four decades of life. But as I wrote them down, logically understanding their importance, I couldn’t actually feel a single one. And so my commitment to myself was born. I promised to read each item daily until I could not only feel it again, but fully believe it to be so. On New Year’s Day 2020 this is what I read:

2020 New Year’s Resolution

Remember & Live In Truth . . .

# 1 ~ I am a Warrior

          not a hostage

# 2 ~ I am a Survivor

          not a victim

# 3 ~ I am Strength

          not weakness

I can trust myself because I Am. The past was marred not by my actions, but by the actions of those who bring pain. I did nothing wrong and do not deserve to be punished. I deserve to give myself and the world around me love, trust, respect and kindness. I am all the greatness I have ever been, because that greatness was/is Me. Those who bring pain did not make me great, they only latched onto my greatness for their own selfish reasons. They didn’t make me worthy… I was born worthy, I will live worthy and I will die worthy simply because I am Me. It doesn’t matter what happened or why, it only matters that I am free because I chose to be.

I am strong because I chose to fight and survive. I am worthy because I make myself worthy by living a life worthwhile. I am still here… even when I seem a bit lost… I Am Still Right Here! I can do this! I am everything I’ve ever needed. I saved myself. What they did was take the credit. I don’t need to feel hate, rage or any of their destruction. I just need to set it down and walk away… just walk away. Then it will wither and die like all of their lies do when they aren’t fed with the energies of the innocent and good-hearted. Those negative things aren’t mine. I feel them but they are tethers meant to keep me imprisoned. The key is simple, just walk away and don’t look back. 

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After about a month of reading this daily, often out loud, I went from feeling incredulous to feeling neutral. Another month brought the slightest hint of hope. By March, I was getting stronger and my world was regaining color. I was slowly coming back to life. April saw me happier than I had been in a long while. Although I still had gray days they were fewer. In May I decided to reach out into the world once more and joined The Mighty. Fast forward to the here and now… I not only feel, but I believe! I am back! Although I’ve always been right here, I now feel and believe in myself too. I have Hope. I have Strength. I have Freedom. Most of all I have Me!

I found my way back on the path of resolution, affirmation and repetition. Never underestimate the power of your own voice uttering your own words. They can change our world.

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